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If someone were to ask you five years ago what Roseanne was up to these days, you’d be lost for words.  Recently, though, she emerged from whatever rock she was hiding underneath and is everywhere.  A Comedy Central roast, a new reality show, and oddly enough, a run for President.  But instead of focusing on any of those things, let’s discuss her hair style from 20 years ago.

You may not have known it, but Roseanne is Jewish. Sure, she’s one of those few and far between white trash Jews, but a Jew nonetheless. Don’t believe me?

Just look at her hair from 1988:

And 1990:

And 1992, when she was somehow Jewish AND Asian:

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For those of us who grew up in the 90s, Beverly Hills 90210 was pretty much the defining show of our generation.  Who didn’t idolize those rich kids from West Beverly High and tune in each week to see their latest drama.  And among us boys, there were heated discussions about whether Kelly or Brenda was hotter, becoming the “Ginger or Mary Ann?” debate of our generation. And if you liked Donna or Andrea (despite being the nice Jewish girl), there was something clearly wrong with you.

And as for the guys on the show, we all wanted to be just like Steve Sanders, played by the Jewish, yet inexplicably tan and blonde-haired, Ian Ziering. Though the character wasn’t Jewish, Steve was by far the best role model for pre-teen boys;  Brandon Walsh was a whiney goody-two-shoes, the brooding Dylan McKay tried too hard to be cool, and David Silver was just an annoying nerd obsessed with Tori Spelling.

Ian Ziering and the elusive blonde Jew-fro mullet.

Instead of those losers, we looked up to Steve and his zest for life, partying ways and constant womanizing, as masterfully portrayed by Mr. Ziering.  And though 90210 may have been the height of his career, he gave all of us Jewish kids with curly hair, even those with the rare case of a blonde Jew-fro, hope that we too might one day end up on the number one show in America. More than that, Ziering showed that we could finally play the cool kid, and not be stuck portraying a nerd like some more unfortunate people.

If only his Jew-fro was large enough to completely obscure Tori Spelling.

I know what you’re thinking – Olympic gold medalist Aly Raisman doesn’t have a Jew-fro; the gymnast has perfectly straight hair.  Well, let me clear something up. Underneath all that gel and spray is a Jew-fro waiting to get out.

Or so I think.  I really have no idea what her hair is like.  Admittedly, I’m just jumping on the Olympics bandwagon to appease the gods of SEO. (London! Gold! Doping! Phelps!).  But the recent attention on this 18-year-old gymnast also gives me the opportunity to say how great it is that someone from our tribe has done so well in an athletic competition.

Jewish athletes are few and far between – and usually the most successful ones are men.  As for Jewish women, well, let’s just say unless they start awarding gold medals for mahjong or pushing their way to the front of the line at a buffet, they are pretty underrepresented in the world of sports.

Now along comes this talented gymnast with the most yiddishe punam you’ve ever seen, who wins two golds and a bronze in front of the world.  And if that weren’t enough, she won one of those golds by doing a floor exercise to Hava Nagila! And if that weren’t enough, she also paid tribute to the Israeli athletes who were murdered at the ’72 Munich Olympics, giving a slap in the face to the IOC who chose not to acknowledge the 40-year anniversary of that event.

Wow – this Aly Raisman is quite the overachiever – a goody goody even.  But she’s a little too perfect, don’t you think? Like, despite the hours and hours she spends training, you just know she’s also a straight-A student and volunteers at a soup kitchen in her spare time.

It’s great that Jewish children have a such a good role model and everything, but I think she’s setting expectations a little too high.  Jewish parents around the world will now be asking their kids, “Why can’t you be more like that nice Raisman girl who won all those medals at the Olympics – and [most likely] calls her grandparents every day?” And knowing they will never match those achievements, we’ll see a generation of Jews even more insecure and neurotic than us from the current crop.

My heart really goes out to Larry Fine, known to millions as one-third of the Three Stooges.  While it’s hard enough getting through life as a Jew, he was also a ginger.  And once he got older, many of those Jewish/ginger follicles decided to close shop, leaving him with only half a head of hair.  And such an appearance, combined with the not-Jewish-sounding-at-all birth name of Louis Feinberg, prevented the aspiring actor from being given any serious roles.

But that awkward face and unkempt hair made him the perfect candidate to join a couple of fellow Jews in a vaudeville act known as the Three Stooges.  Since the name Curly was already taken by the bald one, our Louis Feinberg changed his name to the less Jewy, but no less goofy, Larry Fine. And while that was pretty much the only role he ever had, this stooge managed to cement his place as a legend in pop culture.  Not bad for a guy with a half a ginger Jew-fro!

You know how in movies and TV shows, people are always warned to stop picking on the nerdy kids because one day they’re gonna be rich and powerful?  While that is a load of BS most of the time, Mark Zuckerberg is the rare example of that prophesy coming true. But rich and powerful is a bit of an understatement when discussing the Zuck.  Not only is he a bajillionaire, but he has pretty much enslaved humanity through his little Facebook site.

What I find most fascinating about him is that he kept his Jew-fro.  While he could afford to get an angel’s hair transplanted onto his scalp, he still bears that coarse and curly hairstyle he’s had his whole life.  Then again, for all we know he had pure gold spun into those locks of his; it is the world’s richest Jew-fro after all.

That smug little smile tells me I’m right about the spun gold thing.